Source: babycenter
When you discovered you were pregnant with another child, you probably envisioned the benefits a brother or sister would bring to your firstborn — not scenes of sibling rivalry. But tug-of-war toy spats, backseat pinching, and dinner table bickering often go hand in hand with having two or more kids.
Helping siblings get along as they grow is one of the toughest tasks moms and dads face. Read on to find proven strategies from experts and parents for managing squabbles and helping your children develop close bonds that will last a lifetime.
Let your children nurture each other
Strangely enough, geometry comes in handy when you're laying the foundation for sibling harmony. We tend to think of a family as a triangle, with the parents at the top, managing all the children below, says Janis Keyser, coauthor of Becoming the Parent You Want to Be and parenting educator in the Early Childhood Education Department at Cabrillo College in Aptos, California. Instead, it's more helpful to visualize a circle where all family members have something to contribute.
The idea, adds Keyser, is to encourage your children to play an active role in a family support system. With practice, they'll become less adversary, more advocate.
"I call it working myself out of a job," says Keyser. "As a parent, as much as I love nurturing my kids, I try to step aside so they can nurture one another. That allows them to have a kind of give-and-take so they can develop a close relationship for life."
Keyser tells a story from her own life, recalling the time her son, Calvin, accidentally kicked his baby sister, Maya, in a moment of 4-year-old exuberance. Keyser managed to refrain from running to comfort her crying infant. Instead, she let Calvin try, and moments later, Maya was smiling at her brother.
The experience allowed Calvin to see himself as a compassionate person rather than a troublemaker. And Maya was able to perceive her big brother as a gentle, caring person.
Elissa Stein of New York City says that when her son, Jack, was born, she wanted her daughter, Izzy, to feel like he was her baby, too. "I'd say things like, 'Iz, you've got to watch out for our boy.' This fostered a sense of responsibility and commitment to him that I don't think would have been there otherwise." Now that Izzy is 9 and Jack is 6, Stein says they share a close bond that eclipses small squabbles. Izzy recently invited Jack to join her sock-making class, and Jack likes to have her make him breakfast instead of Mom or Dad.
You have lots of opportunities throughout the day to encourage your children to be nurturing: Let your older child read a bedtime story to his little sister or ask your preschooler if she wants to rub her brother's back before naptime. Suggest that your toddler give your older child a kiss when she's crying because she wasn't invited to a party. When one child is having a hard time with a friend or frustrated about having to clean up the train set, you can ask your other child, "How can you help him?"
Before you know it, your precarious position at the top of the triangle will be replaced by a more secure one in a balanced family circle.
See each child as an individual
It's tempting to tell your kids that you love them equally, but the truth is, children don't want to hear that you love them all the same. "They want to know you love them uniquely, not equally," says Adele Faber, coauthor of the landmark book Siblings Without Rivalry..
"I knew one mother who would tell her girls, 'You're my three little bears. I love you all the same.' But that didn't satisfy any of them," Faber says. Instead, a parent might say something like, "You are my only Amy. In the whole, wide world there is no one like you. No one else has your thoughts, your feelings, your way of doing things. I'm so lucky you were born to me."
The idea is to help each child feel valued as an individual. Another way to do this is to be specific in your praise: "You buttoned your shirt all by yourself." "You cleared your plate without my asking." "You made your sister feel good when you shared your muffin."
Also, be careful not to compare, says Faber. Nothing breeds resentment like piling on praise at the expense of another child. To wit, "Why can't you dress the way your sister does? She always looks so neat," or, "Your baby sister has better table manners than you, and you're almost 6!"
Even complimentary comparisons risk stirring up hostility among your children. Your intentions may be good when you tell your toddler, "You're such a big boy dressing yourself, not like the baby." But the result is that your older child may get so invested in outperforming his sibling that he'll feel threatened when your baby grows into a toddler who can dress herself.
Also try to avoid pigeonholing your children into certain roles, such as the Brain, the Beauty, the Energetic One, the Calm One, the Nice One, the Difficult One. Growing children need to experiment with multiple roles. And you risk ensuring that the Troublemaker becomes forever just that and resents the Artist, or whichever sibling whose role he yearns to try.
Don't shortchange your older child
A newborn can be all-absorbing, but try to carve out bits of time when you can be alone with your firstborn. "We're stretched to the limit, but it's important to find time alone with the older sibling," says sibling expert and author Marian Borden — even if it's just a few minutes at bedtime or taking the time to really listen when he's talking to you.
"So much about sibling rivalry is about attention," adds Borden. Letting your firstborn know he hasn't been displaced and still has a special bond with you can head off a great deal of resentment.
Think about how to help your older child not feel left out when you're caring for the baby. If you're about to nurse, you might say, "I have to feed the baby now. Do you want me to read to you or do you want to rest?" Basically, you're letting your child know you're thinking of his needs, too.
And don't forget to put your older child first from time to time. Once in a while, when the baby is crying, instead of saying, "The baby is making a fuss, hold on," Faber recommends saying, "Hold on, baby. I have to tie Charlie's shoe. This big boy is going to nursery school." The baby can wait a few more minutes and your older child will see that sometimes he's your top priority.
Embrace conflict, don't squelch it
No matter what you do, some sibling conflict is an inevitable fact of family life when you have more than one child. To expect your children to love and support each other 100 percent of the time places unrealistic expectations on both you and them.
And in fact, you shouldn't try to squelch the fighting. Even though this sounds counterintuitive, embrace it. "What's wonderful about sibling conflict is that it's an opportunity," says sibling expert Faber. "It offers a rich training ground for skills they will need to live in the world now and in all their future relationships."
Help your children understand that it's normal to get frustrated and upset, sometimes even with the people you love, but it doesn't mean you care about them less. They'll be relieved to hear that they're not bad just because they get angry. Then you can start to help them find positive ways to express their feelings and work out their differences.
Listen to grievances, acknowledge concerns
Faber says that the most important advice she gives parents is to listen to your child's grievances against a sibling rather than dismiss them. "The best thing you can do is listen to each child with respect, and then encourage them to listen to one another."
You'll be tempted to play the part of judge ("You're always being mean to your little sister!"), jury ("I take Emily's side because you steal all her toys"), and jailer ("Until you can share your robot with Tyler, go to your room for a time-out"). But the trick is to refrain from trying to solve the conflict for them.
If you simply listen when your child says how jealous, angry, or hurt he's feeling because of a sibling, he feels supported by you, which in turn, reduces his resentment toward the sibling. You don't have to agree with him. Your role is to be a calm mediator who listens to each child's side of the story so they both feel heard and understood.
Help them manage their anger
When things get heated, many parents assume that one child is the aggressor, the other the victim. "That perception isn't going to help children find a mutual solution," says Keyser. Instead, it puts parents in the position of taking sides — again, a breeding ground for future resentment.
The most successful intervention, advises Keyser, is to find a way to support both children. "It helps to remember that a child who is being aggressive is unhappy," says Keyser. If your son is kicking his brother, it's probably his way of saying, "I'm frustrated and scared and I don't know how to tell you how mad I am."
If the fighting's already come to blows, put your hand between your children and tell them you can't let them hurt each other. Once you've separated them, give them a chance to cool off. Then help them begin to start expressing their frustration in a more positive way.
Keyser recommends saying, "It looks like you're really angry. I'm wondering if there's a safe way to express that feeling so your brother knows what's going on with you."
Go from conflict to conciliation
Faber suggests helping your children identify their feelings ("You two sound so mad at each other!"), or wishes ("Eric, you really want to play with the fire truck." "Sam, you wish you could play with it, too.") Then you can guide them toward a peaceful resolution. ("Do you want to pretend there's a fire and play with it together? Or do you want to set the timer and take turns?")
For your preverbal toddler who is stomping his feet and screaming in rage, you can help by giving voice to what he's feeling, such as, "It made you really angry when the baby knocked down your blocks. Let's find a safe place to play with them so that won't happen again."
When their children bicker, Kim Church and her husband have their 15 children do a chore together; usually they end up laughing together. When any of her seven children get into a spat, Michelle Fritz has them sit on the floor and tell each other what they like about one another. This helps them shift their mood from aggression to affection. As your children get older, they'll learn from you and be able to find solutions on their own.
Remember: Siblings are forever
When your children argue (and they will), it's important to remind yourself, and them, of the bigger picture: A family is in it for the long haul. Laura Nelson of Gaylord Minnesota, mother of five children ages 5 to 20, believes her brood has formed a strong bond over the years because from day one she imparted the idea that as members of a family, they need to support and look out for each other.
"When they were little and had sibling spats, I would say, 'This will always be your brother. This will always be your sister.' You may leave or lose friends. But your family will always be your family." Her children must have taken the message to heart, she says, since they're exceptionally close now, often going on walks and talking about their lives together.
"One thing you can't take away from your children is their shared history," says Faber. "No one else shared those years in that home with those parents. That's theirs forever. From that, they can form a very deep bond."
The BabyCenter Seven: Super Comebacks to Sibling Complaints
Do you ever wish you had better answers for your children's questions and complaints about their siblings? Here are some suggestions from Adele Faber for more thoughtful ways to respond.
1. CHILD: "Why are you having another baby? I don't want anyone else here." Instead of: "You'll see, you'll love the baby. You'll have someone to play with." Consider: "Is that how you feel? Tell me more. And then I'll tell you how you'll always be my best, beloved, only firstborn ... forever."
2. CHILD: "Who do you love the most?" Instead of: "I love you all equally." Consider: "That's too hard a question for me because each of my children is so special to me. I love each and every one of you for who you are."
3. CHILD: "Ga,ga, goo goo ... wah, wah ... mama!" Instead of: "Stop acting like a baby. You're a big boy now." Consider: "Oh, do you want to play baby? Come, sit on my lap and I'll rock you."
4. CHILD: "You always give her more attention than me." Instead of: "That's not true! I constantly give you attention." Consider: "Oh, you wish you could spend more time with me. I wish I could spend more with you, too. Should we make a date for just the two of us?"
5. CHILD: "Why do you always take her side?" Instead of: "I don't always take her side. But you can be such a bully." Consider: "Is that how it seems to you? Help me understand your side better so I can be fair to both of you."
6. CHILD: "I hate my sister." Instead of: "No, you don't. You love your sister." Consider: "Something your sister said or did really made you mad!"
7. CHILD: "I wish the baby was never born." Instead of: "How can you say such a nasty thing about your brother?" Consider: "Sometimes you like him, but right now you don't want him here at all. I know babies can be a lot of trouble. You'll be glad when he's big enough to play with."
